JovialJman - How To Survive The Zombie Apocalypse

The women on the track there might be fit for baby sitting, who would hire her?

Zombies are those creatures that indicate the end of the world, potentially. They seem to have an urge to seek out brains or the living, so there are a few that are safe, (maybe they are dead ... don't judge). Some say that the day they walk the earth is just a matter of time, So today OddballGreg and myself will tell you how to survive the zombie apocalypse.

Now the beginning scenario was created by both OddballGreg and myself and we are both using it and expanding on it independently. It is a rather crude scenario one of which just might take place, (you never know). So without further delay here is the gruesome and rather morbid survival, (the Italics are what we both begin with):

My day begins as it usually does, my phone’s alarm going off beside me in it’s typical irritating tone in it’s occasionally vain effort to get me to wake up. 10 to 30 minutes later I'm, busy doing what I usually do in the tired stupor that comes with being awake so early.

Having managed to accurately dress myself with the correct clothing in the correct orientation after one or two tries, I gather up my usual trinkets like keys, phone, wallet, sunglasses, etc, and make my way outside to drive to work. (Yes. Drive. This is South Africa after all. Walking to work can take several hours, not minutes.) my tiredness making me fairly oblivious to my surroundings, I don't find the lack of cars on the road strange in the least, despite it being the middle of the week. “Maybe school term has finished?” I reason, that being a common cause for a lack of traffic.

Whatever the cause, I soon arrive at work, enter, and make my way over to note my entry time when I notice, strangely, that everyone is already clocked in. Must be something happening today that I wasn't told about, the lack of updates on the noticeboard showing everyone is probably somewhere else and hasn't had the time to sort things out here. Suddenly, my phone rings to tell me that I have a new message. Pulling it out of my pocket with a large yawn, I drop it in some ketchup that someone must've spilt on the floor at some point, I remove it and go to wipe it off in the bathroom, wondering at the laziness of my coworkers for not cleaning up after themselves.

Wiped and cleaned, I check who sent the message. It’s from OddballGreg, pressing the conversation to see what they said, I suddenly wonder how much he’s been drinking since his spelling is really bad. “Stsy hme, zomurs apixoltse.” Asking them to repeat what they said, I put my phone away and go to find out what work you need to do today.

Walking into the next room, I find a bunch of scared individuals looking around and throwing various things into bags while one watches the doorways while holding a cricket bat. Noticing me, the blonde haired guy with the cricket bat and something red on his white shirt’s breast pocket walks up to me and says: “Bloody hell man, I thought you were one of them.”
“One of who?” I ask incredulously.
“The zombies. Have you been walking around with your eyes closed man? They're all over the place. Listen, now’s not the time to explain. We're busy getting some food and stuff right. After that the plan is we'll go to me’ mum’s place, kill her husband who’s been bitten, drive through to the local pub, batten down the hatches, sip a beer and wait for all this to blow over. Sound good?”

Me, deciding that I've seen this movie before and that the noob with red on him clearly has no idea what he’s talking about and is probably going to get me unceremoniously killed in some pub somewhere, decide to come up with my own plan to survive:

So, since I have not noticed the events before, I ask a the group of 3 for their names and how it all started and any information that might help us survive. One of the gentleman said, "My name is Trace. I heard on the news that it was some or other diseases or infection that spread when a scientist was doing an experiment without proper preparation." Another person with a rather high voice said, "Yes! I heard that as well. My name is Rose by the way." I was astounded, she didn't really look like a female, since she was wearing rather torn up jeans and long sleeve shirt which was really dirty, which is rather different to the skirts and and skimpy tops you often see.

"Ok, so it is soem or other diseases. What are some of the things you 3 can do that can save our posteriors if the time comes to it," I ask. The man who had the blood stain on his short pocket answer, " My name is Nick, I am an ex-prisoner, I am rather good with sub-machine guns, and I know how to swing a bat." Rose interjects Nick and says, "Posterior, are you an english speaker or something?"
"No, I just tend to use rather obscure words, but there is no time for that. We need to get supplies, what do you have so far." "I have a baseball bat, we have some office supplies, and some food from the kitchen down the hall," said Nick.

"Nick, since you were in prison, do you know where the nearest gunshop is?" "Just because I was in prison does not mean I know where a gunshop is ... it's two blocks down." "Ok, awesome. Oh and my name is Jerome. I have my car parked outside, lets take that to the shop and stock up on some much needed equipment. Lets take whatever we can from here and be on our way." Once we left the office, I had my first whiff of what smelled like a dying animal. After arriving at the Gun shop, we scavenged around taking what ammunition and guns we could. Breaking the class that was between us and some of the weapons.

"There is a safe that I cannot get into. Does anyone know how to crack a safe?" asked Rose. "I might be able to help, depending on what type of safe it is. Wait, lets just search on the net for it. I have my phone with me ... just give me a sec. It is a turn wheel safe." "Yip" "Ok this one website says we need to try and bounce the safe." "Jerome ... It is a walk in safe. You can try if you want, but no. Try something else." Nick disappeared for a bit but none of us noticed. When he came back his pockets looked bulgy. He said really calmly, "everyone just wait outside for a second please." "Why?" we all 3 asked. "Trust me, just wait out side for a bit." We proceeded outside, and Nick was out shortly after, He said "Cover your ears now." We all did and then a loud BANG!!! came from inside, followed by a cloud of smoke. "What did you do man??? are you crazy?" "Relax, Jerome. There was a police station a block up, I got a duffel bag of weapons, along with some grenades." "Zombies are attracted to sound you id10t. We need to move now!" We had managed to get some of the weapons from the safe, with a not destroyed entrance. After we had loaded everything into the boot/trunk of the car, zombies started to chase after us.

If we lived in the game Unturned, these would be the zombies chasing us.

We all got in the car as fast as possible and started to discuss some of the places we could rest, or even better a place to barricade as a safe house. We all agreed that the mall was the worst place since that is where a lot of the zombies are seen to congregate. Parents were also a bad place to go, since they most probably have been turned and you don't want to see loved ones as zombies, they could give you a hug ... then bite off our ear. We decided to go to an old metal factory since there would be a lot of supplies for defences. After getting there we saw a few zombies on the ground. "We have to exterminate them. Remember Rule #1 - double Tap" After a few hours of zombie hunting, we had the problem of the bodies laying around.

When playing Shotgun Fun Fun you can expect a lot of blood, if you survive long enough

In the factory we managed to find a full body heat resistant suit, that would have been used to handle or check things close to the melted metal. We used this suit to move all the now re-dead bodies away from the factory so we can start preparations on the defences. We used metal sheets to block up all the windows and all but 2 entrances. When then made sure that these defences would hold in the case of emergency. Once we were safely locked in for the night, we decide to get to know each other around the campfire. As it turned out, Nick was in prison due to the fact he never paid any of his parking tickets, he broke out of prison when some of the guards were turned into zombies and utter chaos broke, however he was a gun enthusiast, and enjoyed hunting. Rose was a really open minded but spoke her mind all the time, if you crossed her you would be as good as ... a zombie. Trace was a military sniper, and was here on vacation when all of this started and lost his wife to the infection. I must have been asleep for the entire week since I hadn't noticed any of this until that day.

After sleeping through the night on the floor, we went out to try find beds, for better nights and supplies to survive in our safe house. "We must try stay in there as long as we can," stated Nick, while I said, "unless we try find other survivors. There might be some in other cities, look at me I survived without knowing about it for a few days." Rose looked rather confused now, "if we go out there, we will most probably die. If you want to risk your life on something like that, go ahead, but until we are much more prepared I am not leaving."

Me, being me, I wanted to find out if there was more survivors out there. So I let everyone know that I wanted to go out just for a day or two to see if there were any in the nearby towns. They were ok with me going, but did not want to come with, (who would have blamed them? Every time people do that in the movies they always get picked off one by one.) I gathered up some food and weapons and put them into a duffle bag, that was the dirtiest of them all. After stealing a car I went to a gas station to see if there was any fuel I can get. I started filling up my car when all of a sudden a zombie appeared right next to me, Thank goodness for Rule #1 - Cardio. I out ran the zombies, pulled a frying pan out of the car and had some batting practice.

Once I had filled up my car, I went to the mall ... to see if anyone was stupid enough to actually go there. I am to the entrance of Greenstone shopping center and then proceeded inwards. I noticed that one shop, Nandos, seemed to be barricaded so I inspected it. I found it strange that there were little amount of zombies in the mall. Once I was able to get around the barricades, I saw some movement in the back. A woman screamed and started running at me with a shotgun in her hand and pulled the trigger. I was shot in the head, the light faded in a matter of seconds and I was dead. I realized that I still had an extra life and respawned at the entrance to the center again. "Damn, never done that before. I must be really careful." I went back to Nandos and got around the barricades, this time I hid behind a pillar and shouted out, "Is there anyone there?" I heard 2 people quickly mutter and shot up from there chairs.


"Please don't shoot, I come in peace." "Who are you? have you been bitten?" "My name is Jerome, no I haven't. there are hardly any zombies out there, what happened to them all?" I slowly walked to the 2 people there with my hands up. The lady answered, "Hi, my name is Rochelle, we have managed to lure them to the other end of the center, but we couldn't do it with all of them, that is why we have the barricade." "My name is Bobby, but everyone calls me Coach." "Are there any other people here with you 2?" "No, it is just us, we thought there was no one else out there, so we stay here as much as we can." "I was with 3 other people in the town just down the road, if you want you can come and join us, more people, the better we can do things." Rochelle says, "That would be great, do you have a car, all the ones in the parking lot have been syphoned for our generator." "Yes, it is just out side, lets take as much as we can and head on back. I just need to eat something first." I go to the kitchen, and make myself something to eat. There were some canned tomatoes, and some mushrooms, I managed to find some rolls that were not quite steal and just put it all together. I quickly ate that, and we were on our way.

I may or may not have seen something from Plants vs. Zombies

I let Coach drive, since I started to feel rather strange. I felt really tired and started to hallucinate, and saw things on the road that were not really there. I thought I would just tell them where the place we were staying at is and then sleep it off. I managed to just explain where it was before I passed out. When I woke up, I saw people shapes in the daze, since my eyes were not all the way open. I tried to get up but was tied down. "Guys what is happening, why am I tied down" Nick says "you were running a temperature, and for the last 2 days you were having muscle twitches, we were afraid that you might turn into a zombie." "Why would I turn into a zombie? I wasn't bitten, I didn't even get close to any zombies. Wait ... why can't I feel my legs? Guys, why can't I feel my legs?!?" coached explained to me that on the way to the factory, there was a little mishap and one of them had bitten my legs, so they wanted to save me from turning, so the chopped it off.

As the day progressed I started feeling strange again, I was turning into a zombie. I shouted, "Guys, I am turning, you have to kill me and take off my head, you have to stay safe." "But you were getting better." "We can't do that, you are part of our team." No-one wanted to do it. Nick came up to me, leant down and whispered into my ear "do you really want us to kill you? You might not survive." My response was, "Rule #17 Don't be a hero." With that, Nick had decided to do it. He went and got the machete from the back and said, "We will always remember you Jerome." With a quick swoop, the blade went through and made a ding, with the concrete below my head.

Suddenly I got a falling sensation and woke up in bed to the sound of my phone's alarm beside me. "It was all just a dream? It felt so real though. I guess that explains the respawn thing. I must stop playing CoD Zombies." After dressing myself for work after a few attempts, I gather my things and head for the car. Driving to work I notice that there are not many cars on the road despite it being the middle of the week, it must be school holiday I reason to myself.

I soon arrive at work and make my way to the front desk to clock in. I notice everyone else has already, must be something happening today that no-one told me about. My phone rings with a notification that I got a message. While pulling my phone out of my pocket with a yawn, it drops and lands in some ketchup/tomato sauce. Geez I mutter, After going to the bathroom to wash it, I realize that this was way too familiar. I start to shake and unlock my phone, the message it from OddballGreg. It says "stsy hme, zomurs apixoltse" ...

The End

I hope you enjoyed this special feature, of OddballGreg and I today. If you have any comments or any other storeys you would like us to read, please let us know about them in the comments below, and on Facebook/Twitter. If you know anyone who likes a zombie story or just likes to read, please share this post with them as I am sure they will thank you for it. If you like what you see and would like to see more, please like us on Facebook and/or follow us on Twitter using the associated buttons on the bar to the left, to see the latest posts, as they are published. I thank you for taking the time for reading today's posts, and I hope you have/had an awesome day.

Happy zombie hunting. 

OddballGreg - 5 Terrifying Horror Games

That menacing... thing... is one of the animatronic characters that make Five Nights At Freddy's absolutely TERRIFYING.

Of course. Halloween. Perfect time for scary things like badly done drag costumes and maniacal cackling on certain radio stations which was nicked from the now public domain song "Thriller". It's also when I decide it's a "good" idea to watch people play absurdly scary games. Yay...

Two months ago I wrote an article about Horror games and the Silent Hills Playable Teaser in particular as a result of watching a YouTube commentator, (Jacksepticeye), play it. Of course, in said article, I pointedly indicate what an absolute wuss I am with horror games, and how even watching someone else play them can occasionally leave me in a catatonic state. Of course, Halloween being what it is, I had the FANTASTIC idea that I should write an article about scary horror games... I'm a sucker for punishment apparently. So without further ado, here's 5 Terrifying Horror games that I really don't want to watch... or play.

Five Nights At Freddy's

First up on the list of games that made me act 15 years younger is Five Nights At Freddy's. A rather stressful horror and fear-filled game that has you playing as some unfortunate halfwit who has found himself playing nightshift at a closed down restaurant filled with murderous animatronic characters. This game holds a special place in my mind because it took the idea of fear inducing gameplay, unceremoniously dumped it out the window, and created something several times more terrifying than I had seen up to that point. (Bearing at mind that PT, as mentioned in the article I linked earlier, is the only horror game to make me actually cry.)

If you feel like listening to the fearful screams of an entertaining YouTube commentator as he frantically checks camera's for the approaching characters while begging for his power reserves to last him the night, check out Markiplier's video above.

Amnesia: The Dark Descent

Amnesia: The Dark Descent is the horror game that first made YouTube phenomenon PewDiePie famous following his fairly average Call Of Duty coverage that had attracted him a relatively small audience. Amnesia was the game that made me realize what a tremendous girl I am with horror games. Being the first horror game I had ever seen where there was no ability to fight the monsters, and thus required you to run and hide, was an interesting concept to me. So of course I tried it.

The total result's of my efforts can be surmised by the fact that within the space of 5 minutes, I had managed to scream at a door slam, flail wildly when the lights went out and red roses began falling around the character, spent 3 minutes hiding in a broom closet, and uninstalled the game. This game is absurdly frightening to me, which is ridiculous because my brother played it up until he realized that it revolved around puzzles and promptly wrote it off as junk without so much as a flinch. 

Among The Sleep

Perhaps the least terrifying game on this list, (considering I actually managed to watch it be played from beginning to end), this game is still fairly terrifying considering how many times I nearly fell out of my chair, and the fact that watching one of my friends play it resulted in me diving behind his bed out of sheer fright. (I'm a little girl apparently.) I quite enjoyed this game for it's highly atmospheric and intelligent design, and for the fantastic and highly symbolic story. Of the five, I would likely most recommend watching/playing this slightly short game yet thoroughly terrifying game. 

Slender

Another fan favorite from the "Bro Army" of YouTube personality Pewdiepie, Slender is a game inspired by a almost legendary CreepyPasta horror story which involved a faceless, otherworldly being in a suit taking people and murdering them in the woods. (Lovely.) So naturally people made a game about it and Pewdiepie recorded videos of himself playing it and screaming loudly. (With fair reason I suppose. This game is pretty damn scary.)

Outlast

And lastly, but certainly not least in the scares department, is Outlast, another frightening horror game that makes you unable to do anything more than run and hide which is the reason why my knee is aching while I write this article. By the time Outlast originally came out, I was already so positive that I had no interest in watching even a moment of it be played. Of course, in the pursuit of quality articles for this blog, I ended up watching the first episode of Pewdiepie's playthrough as linked above, and promptly decided that I was definitely not mistaken for that decision. According to the review's and accounts from friends, Outlast is "Scary as S*** Yo'. So if you feel like making going to sleep difficult for yourself, play this. (Teehee)

If not, then you likely value your possibly rare quantities of sleep, much like myself. If you are one such person, or are one of the crazy individuals who think being scared witless is funny, let us know down in the comments below, or via Facebook/Twitter. We here at TCSA love to hear from you. Of course, if you happen to have any horror game enthusiast friends, consider sharing this article with them as well. They may find it entertaining for some bizarre reason or other. Of course, if you would like to read more humorous article's like this one, consider liking the Official TCSA Facebook Page and/or liking us on Twitter using the associated buttons on the bar to the left so that you can get all the latest posts, as they're published. Regardless of what you do, I thank you for having taken the time to read this post; hope that you have/had an absolutely FANTASTIC day, and I will speak again soon.

Happy scares my friends.

OddballGreg - CreepyPastas (Scary Stories)

People say clowns scare them? Are you afraid? Technically speaking... Gene Simmons is scarier.

About 6 days ago I wrote an article about horror games, and why they tend to make me yelp like a little puppy for no reason. So it seemed fair to continue the train of thought and discuss some other reasonably fear-inducing media, though of a kind that I actually enjoy. That would be CreepyPasta's, the internet's ghost stories from around the camp fire.

According to the Creepypasta Wikia, a Creepypasta is a "short story posted on the Internet that is designed to unnerve and shock the reader." An internet phenomenon that arose years ago, these short horror stories were quickly popularized for a variety of reasons, ranging from peoples need to scare themselves for laughs, to literary enjoyment, and the eventual movies, memes and games that originated from these stories. There's also a ton of people on YouTube who continue to say that the stories are true. (There's also people who think the contents of a lava lamp make a good moisturizer... so believe what you will.)

One of the CreepyPasta stories that is most notorious for the way it has expanded the the Creepypasta following is Slenderman, a tall, faceless man with tentacles who kidnaps people and, in some versions of the stories, spikes them onto pine trees in the forests. Slenderman has seen hundreds of stories written about him, and a fair few games which were played on YouTube by various personalities including, (Of course), PewDiePie. (Who on an unrelated note, apparently made an old game so popular that the publisher started printing it again according to Kotaku.co.uk) Some of the other notorious CreepyPasta stories range from Jeff The Killer to Smiledog.png. All extremely odd and yet strangely fascinating at the same time. (One must wonder at the mind of people who write stories like these.)

Of course, being the artsy person that I am, I found the stories themselves to be far more interesting and fun than PewDiePie's screams... but that's just personal preference. So if you are looking for some fun scares or are simply a fan of well written stories, then be sure to visit either www.creepypasta.com or the Creepypasta Wikia; both of which are compendiums of these strange horror stories.

However, being the YouTube warrior that I am, (That basically means I'm frequently bored and watch a lot of inane videos.), I have found a rather good channel by the name of IReadCreepyPasta's in which a man takes some of these stories and narrates them in his very well suited voice, complete with additional sound effects and a bit of visual stimulus for a very entertaining and genuinely frightful combination. He's even managed to scare me this way. (Which, apart from games, is rather hard to pull off.) Perhaps of all the CreepyPasta stories I know, The Russian Sleep Experiment, complete with his narration, is by far one of the best in my opinion.

Ghastly isn't it?

There are others he has narrated which have proven to be equally entertaining to listen to, such as Mister WideMouth and Tulpa, both of which, like The Russian Sleep Experiment, appealed to my enjoyment of topics regarding the human mind. So naturally I found them very entertaining.

In any case, I should mention that these stories can be VERY scary for some people, with the CreepyPasta website even requesting your age before allowing you entry because of that. So consider yourself warned. In any case, if you found this article to be of interest, or have some of your own CreepyPasta stories that you think are worth mentioning, do be sure to let us know down in the comments below or via Facebook/Twitter. And of course, if you are friends with any horror aficionados, then perhaps sharing this article with them. They'll probably thank you for it. Of course, if you would like to read more interesting articles like this one, then do be sure to like our official TCSA Facebook page and or follow us on Twitter using the associated buttons on the bar to the left so that you can get the latest posts, as they're posted. Regardless of what you do, I thank you for having taken the time to read this post; hope that you have/had an absolutely FANTASTIC day, and I will speak again soon.

Good luck sleeping my friends.