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| What're you gonna do, bite me? |
Zombie's. Undead people with an undying hunger for flesh/brains. Occasionally they suffer from severe halitosis, or just general stink and decay, but they always seem to be ghastly, bloodthirsty, and occasionally lacking in fine motor function. Today, JovialJman and I both are talking about how to survive the Zombie Apocalypse.
A few months ago, someone asked me to talk about the Zombie Apocalypse as a topic. Admittedly late, I had intended on saving this topic for something fun, and came up with the idea for this Halloween of doing something different as part of the holiday. I figured wouldn't it be fun to come up with some fairly terrible(ly silly) scenario, and then have both myself and JovialJman offer up our alternative opinions on how best to survive the Zombie Apocalypse in South Africa.
Now, I will point out that the original scenario is fairly awful, (it also contains a reference to one of my favorite zombie movies), but the point of our articles today is not the beginning scenario, which was simply written to give a basis from which we could start and come up with differing solutions to surviving what could be a very gruesome and painful death. And so without further ado, let us begin.
The Scenario:
My day begins as it usually does, with my phone’s alarm going off beside me in it’s typical irritating tone in it’s occasionally vain effort to get me to wake up. 10 to 30 minutes later I'm, busy doing what I usually do in the tired stupor that comes with being awake so early.
Having managed to accurately dress myself with the correct clothing in the correct orientation after one or two tries, I gather up my usual trinkets like keys, phone, wallet, sunglasses, etc, and make my way outside to drive to work. (Yes. Drive. This is South Africa after all. Walking to work can take several hours, not minutes.) My tiredness making me fairly oblivious to my surroundings, I don't find the lack of cars on the road strange in the least, despite it being the middle of the week. “Maybe school term has finished?” I reason, that being a common cause for a lack of traffic.
Whatever the cause, I soon arrive at work, enter, and make my way over to note my entry time when I notice, strangely, that everyone is already clocked in. Must be something happening today that I wasn't told about, the lack of updates on the noticeboard showing everyone is probably somewhere else and hasn't had the time to sort things out here. Suddenly, my phone rings to tell me that I have a new message. Pulling it out of my pocket with a large yawn, I drop it in some ketchup that someone must've spilled on the floor at some point, I remove it from the puddle and go to wipe it off in the bathroom, wondering at the laziness of my coworkers for not cleaning up after themselves.
Wiped and cleaned, I check who sent the message. It’s from JovialJman, pressing the conversation to see what they said, I suddenly wonder how much he’s been drinking since his spelling is really bad. “Stsy hme, zomurs apixoltse.” Asking him to repeat what he said, I put my phone away and go to find out what work I need to do today.
Walking into the next room, I find a bunch of scared individuals looking around and throwing various things into bags while one holding a cricket bat watches the doorways. Noticing me, the cricket bat wielding blonde with something red on his shirt’s breast pocket walks up to me and says: “Bloody hell man, I thought you were one of them.”
“One of who?” I ask incredulously.
“The zombies. Have you been walking around with your eyes closed man? They're all over the place. Listen, now’s not the time to explain. We're busy getting some food and stuff right. After that the plan is we'll go to me’ mum’s place, kill her husband who’s been bitten, drive through to the local pub, batten down the hatches, sip a beer and wait for all this to blow over. Sound good?”
Deciding that I've seen this movie before and that the noob with red on him and British accent clearly has no idea what he’s talking about and is probably going to get me unceremoniously killed in some pub somewhere, I decide to come up with my own plan to survive:
The Plan:
Step 1 to survival: Figure things out.
"Hey. Zombies are easy to deal with. Trust me. I've played all the games."
First and foremost, doing what they do in zombie games is probably going to get me killed. Life is full of uncertainties, and the zombie apocalypse is no different. There are things that I don't know yet like: Are the Zombies runners or shufflers? What's the best way to kill them? Decapitation or complete destruction of the body? Are there mutated zombies? How easy or difficult is it to evade the zombies and finally, why am I not a zombie?
The reason I'd want to know all that is because that information lets me know if the zombie apocalypse is on hardcore mode or not. (Because gamers think in gamer terms.)
Firstly, if the Zombies are runners, then I'm probably screwed. I'm unfit as all hell, though depending on how good their senses are, I may still have a chance through stealth. If they're shufflers, then singular zombies are not the issue but I'm going to feel stupid if I get surrounded and eaten.
Secondly, depending on what caused the zombies, they could be really tough or decaying, and may or may not need their head. Hope they need their head since then cranial damage or decapitation may be all I need to drop a zed like a bad date on a Tuesday. If they don't need their head, then again, I'm probably screwed since disembodied limbs trying to disembowel me is a very hard thing to deal with, barring utter destruction or extremely accurate disconnection of tendon from bone. Suffice to say, "ain't nobody got time for that" when there's several hundred more zombies to deal with. If it's those kind of zombies, I suggest finding a nice corner to cry in, followed by the finding of a very quick and painless way out. (Probably the only time you will ever hear me condoning that... Suicide is no joke.)
Thirdly, are there mutated zombies or not? This might be the second or third thing I ask the guy with red on him, since having to fight a tank, (pictured below), means that I am, more than likely, a dead man walking. (Unless I find a minigun by some miracle.) These guys are strong enough to send you flying with a punch, and strong enough that bullets don't penetrate their skulls. Suffice to say, if these exist... Odds of survival are pretty bad since mutated zombies mutate for one reason. To be better at killing humans.
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| Artwork for the Left 4 Dead tank. Taken from http://left4dead.wikia.com/wiki/The_Tank |
And perhaps the most important question to ask, why am I not a zombie? Depending on the zombie cause, this question could be fairly important since it either means I'm just awesome like Francis,(10 points if you get that reference.), immune to whatever caused them to turn, or simply haven't caught it yet or turned yet. Too bad the only way to find out which one it is, is to get bitten and wait it out, which is not on the books. My advice, stay clear of teeth and claws, carry extra ammo.
Step 2 to survival: Come up with an actual plan to survive!
"I know! We'll go to the mall! That usually works in the movies... oh wait."
I'm going to point out that doing anything they "did in the movies" or games, is probably also going to get me killed, simply because fiction is rather terrible at portraying the inefficacy of the human body. Getting bitten hurts enough to distract you, getting hungry makes you too weak to do anything useful, and going to a mall is a surefire way to die quickly simply by mass of bodies since odds are good anywhere that had lots of people, probably has lots of zombies now.
No, what I need is a plan that does 2 things. Keeps zombie teeth and claws as far as possible from my flesh, and a method of surviving the rest of my days, preferably while I work on reducing the zombie population each day. There are a couple things that could work for this goal, but to list the bare essentials, I would need a source of food, water, shelter and safety, and basic materials.
I'm going to point out at this point that South Africa is a very interesting country for a few reasons that make surviving the zombie apocalypse a fair sight easier than other countries typically mentioned in the fiction.
Firstly, about 90% of houses have 6 foot high walls, burglar bars on their windows in brick and mortar built walls. There's also a tendency for metal security gates on all the doors. Suffice to say, your average home is practically a fortress already, and with just a bit of work can be made impenetrable depending on your needs. If the zombies are agile, it's a good idea to perhaps mix up some cement and brick up every unnecessary entrance for your own safety in the long term, but for the weaker type of zombie, the houses are good enough already given that with the already built walls, most can't even get to the house's doors and windows. For added points, finding a 2 story house with street facing windows means I can see anyone coming and get ready ahead of time. If the fiction is anything to go on, I'll be at as much risk from unfriendly people as I am from the zombies, so being able to set traps and or have sniper coverage is rather useful. (More on that in a moment.)
The other good about the country is that it's got a strange mix of large yards, urban buildings and farmland all in close proximity to each other. If you would rather try to make it out on the farms, the already made boreholes will make getting water fairly easy so that you can grow food and drink. On the other hand, rain catchment containers can be somewhat easily created from plastic bags and containers of various shapes, or simply plastic barrels, so water isn't a significant issues if you nip it in the bud early. (Though further plans can be made. Talk about that in a moment too.)
In my case, I would likely find a building matching that description in neighborhoods I am familiar with since the ability to find my way around easily can be the difference between getting home safely and dying stupidly in some ditch because I made a wrong left turn. Old map books are GOLD in a time where the internet is likely to stop existing in as few as a couple weeks. The electrical grid and sanitary systems may be functional for a few weeks if you're lucky, in which time it's a good idea to find as many containers for water as possible and fill them for a rainy day, (Teehee), dig a latrine trench somewhere safe and begin gathering equipment to make life without commercial electricity easier. Generators and fuel are fairly important to that end as well since lighting at night will help prevent accidental death in the dark and allow me to work on things at night. (Although getting a house with solar panels and batteries is also pretty awesome if you're lucky enough.) The electricity will also be useful for running power tools and such, which can useful for creating my own stuff since the lack of factories and people making your stuff for you will mean a need for self sufficiency.
Step 3 to survival: Get some friends.
"Hmmm nah. I work better on my own." *Dies from being bitten from behind.*
I'm going to be blunt about this. If I'm the last human remaining, I'm not even going to bother surviving. Humans are social creatures and I go near insane when left alone for any length of period. More importantly, I don't have eyes in the back of my head. In war, you never see soldiers fighting alone. They're always in groups since they can guard each others backs. And before you say something stupid like they'll just get you killed or it'll be too much heartache if they die, I'm pretty sure if I die alone, that's way worse. There is no better reason to fight than for one's family and friends. And even better, strategically speaking, building and fortifying my home on my own is kind've difficult, but say I've have a friend with a sniper rifle sitting on the second floor while I go meet the potentially unfriendly people at my gate, things might go better in my favor. All in all, things are better with friends, so it's advisable that the first thing I do is call everyone you know and try to warn them and get them to meet up together. Odds aren't great that they will all want to stick together, but depending on how charismatic I am and how good they think my plan is, a good few can be convinced. I'll probably get the dolt with the red on his shirt, (teehee), and his friends to come too if I can since with enough people, other options become available.
While getting everyone to stick together will be difficult, explaining how things work and leading them properly is beneficial to everyone and can make life far more easy than it would be on your own. If I hurt myself while I'm on my own, I can't get food and water, but with friends, they can help take care of me while I recover, as I would for them.
Step 4 to survival: Carry out the plan.
"Fred. John. Watch the entrance, yell if you see anyone. We'll clear the inside."
Many hands make light work, so once I've gathered up my friends and organized ourselves enough, it's a good idea to start barricading our chosen home and gathering provisions. Make sure people are always in groups of at least 4. Scout areas before we walk through them. Move quickly and quietly. Have some people start searching any small food shops, police stations and notable buildings for weapons, ammunition, food and other necessary supplies. Depending on how many uninfected survivors we meet around, we should avoid direct confrontations unless you have the weapons needed. (I would've made some distasteful jokes about other places you could find guns in South Africa, but I'm just going to say they aren't necessarily hard to get.) If I've got enough people for it, having some people gathering provisions while some work on the home to make it safer is ideal, with people on guard for both actions. If we've got one of those map books, it'll be set up at home base and mark building that we've searched and cleared already of all useful stuff. Other things of interest can be marked as well. Continue the scavenging of materials as much as possible and keep improving defenses for the home while we store up nonperishable food and water for our first winter of the apocalypse since it doesn't rain in winter and growing food is less viable. While were at it, it's a good idea to recruit anyone we can to come and work with us back at our home base. (Though of course, trust must be earned before we're going to just give them a gun and go to sleep with them in the room.)
With a few weeks of work provided I'm not on my own, it could be possible to set up a self-sufficient and safe home which we could live out the rest of our days in. Of course. Who wants to do just that?
Step 5 to survival: Reclaim The World!
"Wait... What?"
Precisely. Being the ambitious person that I am, if things went well enough to get to this point then we're in prime position to do a Rebuild inspired reclamation of the world. As we recruit more people, we're going to need more space for farming, water collection and general work. So given that South African homes are build with high walls to each other, we can begin reclaiming the homes beside our original base and start to fortify the entire block of homes. With more people comes the ability to take more space and build outposts nearby. With some clever organization, efforts can be made to take control of key locations such as water sanitation plants and the power plants if necessary anymore considering the efforts we've made towards self sufficiency. Good communication, continuing the recruitment of anyone willing to join, and it's entirely possible that we could reclaim the city from the zombies block by block, since if we've made it this far, the zombies can't be too difficult to deal with in small numbers. As long as order is maintained among the people, the unification under one banner against the zombies could be enough to bring out the best in humanity and ultimately prevail. The collection of resources early should've allowed for the creation of interesting new tools, traps and creative solutions to aid in the expedited neutralization of zombies, so it's possible that with the right leadership, planning and caution, the city could be cleared of zombies over time. From there, who knows what more could happen. Who knows what the future holds.
In Summary
"Gimme the basics champ. I'm simple."
Basically, in order for me to survive the zombie apocalypse, I need to:
1: Get information on what it's like out there, and if it's even worth trying.
2: Come up with a plan to survive based on that information and what we know will eventually happen as civilization comes to an end.
3: Gather up as many friendlies as possible. There is strength in numbers.
4: Carry out the plan and begin working towards creating a self sufficient home base and community.
5: Begin reclaiming important locations within the city, making sure to maintain patrols and communication at all time.
"And that chaps, is how we're going to survive this mess." I say to the idiot with red on him and his friends, their faces incredulous as they look at me like some crackpot on meth.
"Sod that, let's go to the pub." he says, walking out the door with attitude, his friend's following behind him. Was worth a try I guess.
In any case, I hope you've enjoyed this rather detailed and somewhat unique post about the Zombie Apocalypse. I certainly enjoyed writing it, and would love to hear what you think of it down in the comments below, or via Facebook/Twitter. Have an zombie fan friends? Maybe share this post with them too to see what they think. And if you yourself would like to read more posts like this one, consider liking the Official TCSA Facebook page and/or following us on Twitter to get all the latest posts, as they're published. Regardless of what you do, I thank you for having taken the time to read this post; hope that you have/had an absolutely FANTASTIC day, and I will speak again soon.
Good luck surviving my friends.
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